In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
