In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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