i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
