Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
