I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
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So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
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I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
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