My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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