garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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