Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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