Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
