Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
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She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
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You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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