Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
