Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
