I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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