that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
