There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
