Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
