My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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