i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
