he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize