There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
