I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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