I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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