walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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