fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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