Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
