i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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