So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
