no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
