i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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