It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize