Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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