i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
