You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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