At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
