I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
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