just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
