you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
