are you still at the devil's house?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I need a burrito and a hug.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Randomize
