I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
