i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
