Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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