guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Randomize
