I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
no you cant smoke seaweed
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We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
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I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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