then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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