Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
