I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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