Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
