She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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