it's too hot outside to masturbate.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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