i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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