I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
