So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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