What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
