I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
