At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
