you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
