Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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