why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
